Omni Universe

Saturday scfi -fi discussion

omniuniverse — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 15:14:45 +0000

Before I get to the topic I need to lay down 2 rules.
1. Please don’t use foul language
2. I know that we will all have different points of view but please don’t bash someone

Also, I’m going to try something very intense, I’m going to be having discussions on here, youtube, facebook, and omniuniverse.com at the same time, all with different subjects. Please understand that because of that it may take me a little longer than normal to respond.

Here are the links to the discussion pages on each site

Myspace: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=395238784&blogId=533648789

Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/group/satscifitalks

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=30&uid=105078569535711

Omniuniverse: http://www.omniuniverse.com/?p=103

Now onto the topic:

Recently I watch the new “Kick-Butt” movie that came out. For those of you who don’t know me, I don’t swear even if it’s in a movie title. I’m sure some people would agree with me and most probably don’t care, but I found it to be a little to excessive with the language. Now you’re probably thinking, “Well he doesn’t swear that why he thinks that,” not true. I find that certain words at certain moments can be hilarious, like in the new “Clash of the Titans” right before they go kill Medusa. But when you’ve got 10 year olds doing it in places where it doesn’t even make a difference is where it bothers me. Other than that I found the movie very enjoyable and very funny at times, like right after he sees that he has a bunch of metal in his bones or when his friends try to make him feel pain at lunch. I liked the plot, even though it was a little on the simpler side. I especially liked how they kept it open for a number two. The one thing that I was waiting for was for Red Mist to turn good. The commercials and ads made it seem that he would turn. I think that’s about it for this. What did you think about it? Don’t forget to check out my other discussions going on.

Questionable comment

omniuniverse — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 02:11:50 +0000

I recently received this comment on my post labeled feedback

Hey!

I discovered your audiobook on youtube, and listen to most of it(thanks for the invitation by the way!).

I’m afraid that, since there must always be someone who doesn’t appreciate stuffs, it will here be… me. Sorry!

The thing is I’m not really comfortable with the manichaeism of the prelude. “Good versus Evil”. Because when you talk about moral values, it is a typical occidental and modern acceptation of the word, and so I don’t really know how could anyone in the world could agree on such values. By so the whole ‘good and evil’ stuff just relies on a ‘hero moral consensus’, thereby illegetimating the values the superheroes are defending.

Secondly, the idea of ‘near misses’ not being superheroes but “perfect humans” seems a bit ackward too. The idea of a perfect human, smarter, stronger, faster just gloryfies one type of individuals and by so ‘thrashes out’ the others: “we are not like them but we are superior” do they think. Either they are superheroes, and so not humans but almost gods, or they are humans, and so cannot be ‘perfect’. When can you tell a human is perfect? It just looks too much like biblical ‘chosen ones’ to me. Some will be chosen by God to accomplish things that no other could. Of course, it’s a way of seeing things, but I see it as a commonplace.

Finally I would say that the book is a wonderful and constructed bedtime story, but not much more…

I’m really sorry for being so rude, but since you asked for feedbacks…

This was posted by a gentleman out of France named Vincent. Now Vincent, if you’re reading this I don’t mean to be rude, just stating the facts. When I read this I was a little confused. I didn’t expect someone to look so deep into the first 10 minutes of the audio book. Now what I got out of this was that he didn’t like the whole “Good vs. Evil” thing and he didn’t like the concept of near misses.

As for the “Good vs. Evil” thing, I think that anyone can figure out that a group of people trying to kill almost everybody, spread chaos, and basically destroy the world can be classified as evil. I also think that most people would consider anyone who tried to stop this group in an effort to bring back some order to the word could be considered good. On top of that, I don’t know one story, comic, movie, or whatever about superheroes that doesn’t involve good trying to stop evil, even anti-heroes like Punisher even try to stop evil. The best epics of all time are based on good vs. evil. From the Odyssey to Star Wars it’s all based on good vs. evil. Can’t have Luke Skywalker without Darth Vader. I’ll leave it at that.

Near misses can have enhanced strength, speed, endurance, agility, durability, intelligence, senses, or any combination of these. In order to be classified as a near miss and not superhuman, the scores for strength, speed, endurance, agility, and durability can be no greater than 5 times for your size, weight, height, and build. Intelligence is different, 3 and below is considered near miss, 1 is a normal person, 2 is a bright individual like a doctor, and 3 is very intelligent like an Einstein. Now remember a near miss can have just one enhanced attribute or all of them, if they have all they are considered a “perfect near miss”. Now in my book there are less than 100,000 perfect near misses in the world and the world does not cater to them, for example they are not allowed to play sports. Some may consider themselves superior but almost all don’t.

Now for that one comment about it seeming like a bedtime story. Yes, it did start out as a bedtime story but it grew into something much more epic, and as you get more toward the end it really gets intense. I don’t think that global domination by the world’s worst villain is something I would tell my kids to get them to go to sleep.

Like I said before, I’m not trying to be rude Vincent (after all you did take time to write,) just making my points on what you said. And in fact I like to hear about what everybody thinks about my book. I welcome your thoughts, especially because Vincent is the first person to say anything negative about my book since it came out on January 1, 2009. You can find the youtube playlist for the audio book here http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=F84528CDEAC207ED.

I hope you enjoy it.

Jake – my dad’s ( the author) mouthpiece

Audio Book

omniuniverse — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:08:56 +0000

Hey, it’s been a while since my last post, we’ve been busy working on the audio version of my first book, Omni - History Begins. We’ve been posting it and youtube and will be posting the whole entire book there. You can check it out at -
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=F84528CDEAC207ED

If you like it, leave a comment.

My Writing Process

omniuniverse — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:35:00 +0000

About my writing process

I’ve had several people ask how I wrote my first book. Now that I’m starting my second I consider myself qualified to give an informed answer.

I think the best way to start this is how I started. I’ve written screen plays and short stories before (for no one except myself), but never anything as ambitious as an epic size novel. I’m not a university trained writer – I’m an engineer (you’ll be able to tell from how I plan things). So, I sort of self educated myself in a way that worked for me. I hope this helps anyone who reads it.

Joe’s infallible tip – time and effort

I wanted to write the absolute best novel that can be written, I hope you do too. Time and effort were briefly considered and then thrown out the window. When you start placing deadlines on what you’re doing or other outside pressures, these can spoil the end product. I wanted to produce the best work, not the quickest work. It gets done when it gets done and that is how it is.

Topic

Now I had to choose what I wanted to write about. For me I, it had to be a grand book about superheroes. Luckily I’m a fan of the genre and I don’t need to educate myself too much on that. If I wanted to write on something like, ‘Pioneers of steam engines from 1760-1795;’ I would know nothing. This would require a great deal of time to educate myself on the subject until I could speak with some authority. You have to know you subject matter. If you’re writing a comedy you had better be funny.

Write down one word which states your Topic.

Goals

What did I want the book to be like? What did I want people to think after they read it? Did I want it to impact or entertain? If two people had a conversation about my writing after they read it, what would they say?

It’s kind of like using a forward vision to see something that hasn’t happened yet. Think of a guy getting out of a high performance car with a big smile on his face. His hands are still shaking from the speed and his stomach is unsettled from how fast he cornered. Then he opens his mouth to give his critique of the driving experience. If you were the engineer who designed that car you would give anything to hear what he had to say 36 months earlier while you sat at a blank computer screen getting ready to work on your new car.

We can’t see the future or at least you can’t. We can, however, envision what reaction we would like to see or hear from our readers. Think about it. What would you like people to say about your work?

In the engineering world, I’m a certified project manager and I’ve worked on some big deal type projects. Goals in this context would be like a mission statement. Either one is something that should be used as a test in everything you do. If your mission statement is (a very simple one) ‘eco friendly,’ then everything you do has to pass that test.

If my goal for writing is ‘funny,’ then I should avoid things that detract from the humor or could be offensive. This counts when I’m making up names, picking locations, manufacturing circumstances, or any other creative decision. Is what I am doing in line with my Goals?

Write down your Goals.

Vision

I was working a manager out in LA in the mid 90s for a high tech firm. There was this developer I was going to interview for a job. He came highly recommended and was considered one of the silicone valley wiz kids. Our VP told me he had graduated when he was 16 and been a consultant all over for big companies. During the interview he told me about a conversation he had with Bill Gates. Now, whether this guy was full of BS or not is of great speculation. He said Bill Gates took him to lunch when he was a teenager and asked him what his visions of the future of computers were. True or not, the idea that someone on top of his game was looking for more insight is a lesson in itself. BTW – I didn’t hire this guy. I thought he was too full of himself to be of any value.

Now is the planning part of your writing. You know what you’re going to write about and what your Goals are. It’s time to start mapping out the frame work of your story. Start asking and answering questions about your story. What are the big events that will happen? Who are my lead characters? What kind of challenges will they have to deal with? Will they succeed or will they fail? If they fail do they get a second chance? Who or what are the negative elements? Who falls in love? Who dies? How much do I tell the reader and when?

That last part was very important. Writing isn’t just about dumping information on the page. You need to decide when someone is supposed to know something and judge how it will affect them. It’s not about your Vision or how you see things (contrary to popular belief) it’s how you can make someone else see it. Think back to your Goals (always think back to your Goals) how do you want the reader to perceive what you are writing.

Let’s go back to the Bill Gates example. He was on top of his game, but wasn’t disillusioned enough to think he was the only one with a good outlook on the future. Find a few competent rational individuals to bounce your initial ideas off of. Think of it as a focus group. Is this the kind of story they would like to read? You don’ have to give the plot away or go on for hours, give them a five minute pitch and listen to the feedback.

Do this a few times until you think you have a winning Vision. Now you should have a Topic, Goals, and Vision. Write them all down and make it orderly.

Joe’s infallible tip – Copyright

Once you create something it’s yours by copyright, that’s the law. But, as the saying goes – ‘a copyright and no paper work plus an empty sack is worth an empty sack (I think a Ferengi said this.) Bottom line – if you go to court saying something is yours without proof expect the one with more money for attorneys to win.

Getting a federal copyright is cheap and easy. Go to copyright.gov and spend 35 bucks to enter a copyright for your work. You simply upload a document with what you have on your story to date and update as often as you want. Then if you have to prove something is yours you have substantial proof as backing. Your attorney will love you for it; he’ll also love your money.

Threads

Do you remember back in high school when everyone had to debate at least once for one class or another? Remember how you had to keep topics or points going on or rebuff their points? The points had to carry from the beginning to the end? Yes, maybe, No?

The idea of Threads is that they are plot points that keep coming back again and again throughout the story. Think of a character in your story that is dying of a horrible disease. It would be poor storytelling to say at the beginning of the book that someone has horrible sickness ‘A’ and never mention it again until they died near the end. Threads are something that need to be revisited periodically through the story.

I sat down to watch a TV show with my father in law. It was on crime scene show and I watched the first four minutes with him and stood up to leave the room. He asked if I didn’t like the show. I told him the coffee counter guy was the murderer. He laughed and an hour later he told me I was right. The writer of the show had clumsily introduced only two non cast members before the mystery began and only one seemed interested in the mystery before it became one. It was a case of only one thread being added to the plot. Of course I knew who had done it.

Some threads are simply for flavor. The grizzled old detective who chews bubble gum after he lost his wife to throat cancer may have nothing to do with who did it, but may have everything to do with how you tell it. Flavor threads can be added anywhere in the planning process and even in the writing process. These are some of the things that will enhance the readers experience just like seasoning enhances a steak. The old masters of suspense didn’t just say, ‘the killer was behind her.’ They would have her talking on the phone, going about her day, getting ready to go to sleep for the evening, and in general build an illusion to be shattered. What was she wearing? That’s not a plot point or plot threat, but it is a story making pillar. I wrote down several flavor threads that simply had to do with character interaction and how two people became friends.

The more Threads you can add and do well the more complex your story will be. This is a two edged sword, make sure you can keep track of the threads. If your story becomes unmanageably complex it will be too confusing to read. Make sure your Threads are in line with your Goals.

Write down your Threads.

Making it real

Flat character, flat locations, and flat imagination make for a flat book. These things don’t have to be flat. They can be as real and vibrant as you want them to be. This has to start with how you see them. For my main characters I like to make a separate ‘character sheet’ for them. I write down birthday, height, weight, education, where they live, family members, what they like to eat, who they don’t like, how they were raised, and I keep going until I have constructed a real person. It is critical for the character to be real to you. If you can’t identify with or connect to the character your readers have little chance of doing so.

The same thing goes for locations. If you can visit where you are writing about, that’s the best. I wrote about stuff from all over the planet so I had to rely on documentaries and the travel channel to get a feel for the locations. Is watching TV about a place as good as visiting? Will Wikipedia give you enough information about a location to use it? How accurate is the documentary you are using? I guess each of us needs to answer this and try to get as good a feel for the location as possible. Keep your research up until your story locations are well rounded like your characters.

I also mentioned imagination. For those of you who read my book you know I constructed an alternate earth with my own technology and superheroes. Along with that went a system of government and a new superhero subculture. This is unique to what I wrote but the concept is not unique. If you should be writing a legal drama you had better know or have access to someone knowledgeable about law. It doesn’t matter if your thing is biological diseases that spread like wildfire or meteors that strike the planet; you had better educate yourself on your subject or it will sound foolish.

Use this as an exercise in fleshing out your writing environment – write it all down.

Outline

Now that you have your Topic, Goals, Vision, Threads, and have done the work to develop your environment; it’s time to start assembling the pieces. This can be done any number of ways and I don’t discount other methods. I’m just going to show the way I did it.

Some people may just sit down and start typing with ‘the night was sultry’ and go all the way to the end. I don’t think I could ever do that. I made the initial mistake of trying to follow the way other authors had done their works. Breaking the story into logical chapters that would neatly start and end sounded like a good idea. Unfortunately, this didn’t work with the story I wanted to write.

This is where I found myself exercising some creative license. I figured it was my novel and I would write it my way. For the sake of my readers and for simplifying an already complex plot, I decided to write dated entries on a timeline. This allowed my readers to more easily follow the big story I had in mind.

This decision is all yours. Pick how you want your outline to be written. Make a map for you book if you want to. Use a flow chart if that does it for you. Always keep in mind your Goals for the book. Figure this part out before you start expanding your outline.

I say expanding the outline because I can’t write from beginning to end without missing something. I started by writing - this how it starts and this is how it ends. Then I looked to my Visions and added in the main events and when they happened. Then I started writing in plot Threads as my outline expanded. Once I had the framework for the plot I started in on my flavor Threads and how I wanted to develop my story along with when to show parts of the story to the reader. This isn’t a quick process. From when I started back at Topic until done with this part took me about two months. Keep in mind I have six kids and a full time career, figure I had 10-20 hours a week into working on this.

By the time you are done with this you have a story in your head that just needs to be put on paper or your hard drive. Still there are a few steps to do first.

Make sure to write all this down and update your copyright information.

Talk it out

Working in a vacuum is one of the best ways to turn out a confusing piece of crap book. Remember those reasonable people that you gave the five minute pitch to? Seek them out once again and tell them your story. You don’t have know everything or have all your lines written. Just talk your way through the outline and give them a broad idea of the scope of your work.

If five out of five people don’t get it or thing it sucks, maybe it isn’t the five people. If you get nothing but negative feedback or questioning looks it’s time to repeat a few steps.

The reaction you want is, ‘can’t wait to read it.’ That is like getting the green light on your project plan. Consider this a ‘go’ ‘no go’ for launch.

Joe’s infallible tip – Care and feeding

In the business world if I said ‘care and feeding’ of a datacenter. That would mean electricity, air conditioning, power quality, work to be done, hours worked by competent employees, etc etc. Kind of like saying what does it take to feed the beast (write your book)? Well you’ve come to a point where you will be feeding a beast. Writing can become all consuming once you get going. Make a plan to take care of the person who feeds the beast.

Make sure you get your sleep. Don’t neglect your day job. Make sure you spend time with loved ones. Don’t start in on a diet of crap (read Mountain Dew and Cheetos) because you’re busy. In general make sure you take care of the person who does the feeding or the beast will suffer.

Writing

Now it’s time for the rubber to meet the road. After all that planning you should have no trouble knowing what to write, right? HA! I remember how I wanted everything to be perfect and the care I took on those first four pages. Those pages took me two weeks.

That wasn’t working. After a certain point I just started treating it like free writing. That’s when you just start writing with out proofing or looking back – just let it flow. I did that for a bit and went back to proof some really poorly written paragraphs.

Then I found the right mix of saying what I wanted to say correctly and not worrying about minor mistakes. After a while I was up to three pages a day. A page for me was a normal word document page with double spacing and a size 12 font. A day for me was a three hour period without interruption.

I found that I couldn’t be dad and be a writer in my own house. So, I picked up my laptop and looked for a place to work. The library became my place of choice to write. I tried the coffee shop but there were too many talkers there. I tried the bookstore but there were too many people talking about books and not enough reading them. At the library the people are trained to be quite and I don’t know enough people there to be interrupted. A few ear buds and some background music and I was in my own world. God bless the public library.

After three months I was doing 8-10 pages a day and was really cruising. After I had found the method that worked for me I know I did twice as much work the second 90 days as I did the first. That’s right, it took me six months to finish my 1,100 page (360,000 words) first draft. Remember what I said about time and effort not being an issue. I incorporated everything I had planned on and when done the story was sizable.

Update your copyright info.

Proofing

I am the first to admit that I cannot proof my own work. This is where I imposed myself on friends and family to help. Just by exploiting those around me I was able to correct 95% of the errors or issues with the manuscript. Once they had shown me the holes in my own writing I could go back over and look for similar mistakes. It is kind of a lesson in self evaluation.

This step can take as long as you like, but it shouldn’t be done until you nor those around you think there is anything else wrong with the manuscript.

Editing

Editing is more story flow than mistakes found in proofing. You better respect the opinion of the person you have editing or you won’t listen. This is the toughest criticism to take. When you had just an idea and someone shot it down; hey it was just an idea. When someone found a punctuation error, you knew that’s a black and white error to be fixed.

Now that you have something that you are fully invested in and you put your heart and soul into it (hopefully you did); it becomes representative of you. It’s like an artist and his art. You get some editor to read this and give you an opinion on it. It can be tough to take if you don’t have a little information first.

A good editor is like a good coach, they want you to succeed! An editor that just gives criticism is a critic posing as an editor. Don’t pay attention to the later. Move on and get a different person to edit your book.

I didn’t have one editor for my book; I had several amateur editors give their opinions. Some were quite helpful and others not so much. A big red flag is when someone calls you up and starts giving you a list of things you need to change to make it ‘good.’ Then when asked what they thought about the ending they explain they are only on page 8. WTF? Never listen to anyone who has not finished reading your work! If the person only has negative criticism they are not a help to you.

Once you have that good editor, listen to what they say with an open mind. Remember this isn’t about you being right. It’s about the Goals you set for your book. Do the suggestions they make bring you closer to or farther from your Goals. This is how you should view good editing.

On a personal note – I put my first soft cover out just two months ago. It’s starting to sell and the feedback is extraordinary. After enough prodding I’m starting to get a hard cover together. Then, low and behold another editor comes out of the woodwork. Some of his suggestions are nonsensical and others really quite good. So I find myself making a few adjustments to the story before the hard cover comes out. Because hey – one of my Goals was the best book possible.

Note from the wife: (I let her read before I posted)

It’s a long and sometimes seemingly endless effort you may have to support. The children will be your responsibility, and you will have to sacrifice to help your husband/wife/mate succeed. At the time, you may get upset. But persevere, it IS worth it in the end and hopefully there will be a fantastic book as a result. If your husband doesn’t appreciate your input, get over it. It is his book. I am not a big fan of superheroes, but I CAN appreciate a well written book, even if it is not what I would normally choose to read. Just remember to be supportive no matter how ridiculous or crazy you think it is (thanks honey). If you tell him he’s a loser, he will be, but if you tell him he’s doing a great job, he will. Jana

Joe

Comic Book Jesus - spoke to me!

omniuniverse — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:35:41 +0000

I was interviewed by an Australian man who runs a blog about comic and things related to comics. How cool is that? His blog name is “Comic Book Jesus.” It was a lot of fun and I hope to do more like this in the future. Check out the link below Joe

http://comicbookjesus.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/joe-grahams-omni/

Twitter

omniuniverse — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 20:43:30 +0000

I now have a twitter account. If you are a twitter person, you can get updates from my www.twitter.com/OmniUniverse Most of these updates are about my personal life, but your welcome to know what’s going on. - Joe

Read for free!!

omniuniverse — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 16:06:27 +0000

My book has now made it into the US library system. Chances are your library does not have it in stock, but they can order it – just like the book stores. Ask them for it with the information below:

Title       Omni History Begins
ISBN     9780615228846
LOCN   2008941216

Even if you’re not a reader, PLEASE request it at your library. I can’t think of a better place for the book to be than a public library, where reader after reader can get to it.

Joe

Success?!?

omniuniverse — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 14:35:13 +0000

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that people looking at this site, this early in the game, are on my side. So, I don’t mind sharing a few things about how my book is being received.

The book has been out now about two weeks. I have signed 17 copies; I know because I’m counting and I put a number behind my signature. I have no sales reports from my distributor, other than a ‘yes, it’s selling you’ll get a report after the month is over.’ My reviews on Amazon and Barnes and Nobles are amazing. I’ve been interviewed for two webzines, but they have yet to be posted. I may be getting on local TV for a spot. I may be doing a library signing. I may be getting a intro to the book by a hero of mine (I sure hope that works out – even if I have to reset the book with the printer).

So, for me spending almost no money on advertising, I think it’s going pretty good. I know everyone who creates something hopes that everyone sees and appreciates it immediately, but I know how things work. It’s the same as setting up a lemonade stand in the desert and you’re invisible. Until you can get enough people to notice, your stuff will remain out of sight.

All in all, I think my first two weeks are going quite well. I know I have a good product – I just have to keep getting the word out. Stick with me on this, I don’t give up easy. – Joe

The book is out!!!

omniuniverse — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 17:02:07 +0000

After blinking on and off on Amazon.com Omni is now on and ready to be brought home. I’m pretty jazzed that I can now say it’s on Amazon US, UK, FR, DE, Barnes and Nobles, the US library system, and Target. Target??? We’ll I guess that’s as good as any web site. If you get a hold of a copy let me know. -Joe

Awesome post to read

omniuniverse — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 11:08:46 +0000

Well here it is;

This happened in late November at my house in Michigan – every word is true. I wrote this up the next day to try to keep track of the details. Now it’s time to share!

*****
I just added to the stories I have that no one else can tell. Check this one out.

We have this Romanian couple and their two children staying with us. The little girls are five and three; and don’t understand a word of English. The parents are hardworking, humble, intelligent, and just all round good people.

We met them through the church home fellowship. That’s when they first came here from Romania to have their second child. Some of the details as to why have only made known to me in the last 24 hours, I’ll get to this later.

So they’re coming over here to have their third child and are in need of a place to stay. Jana volunteers our place for them to stay. I’m OK with this. For those of you, who don’t know me that well, let me tell you a bit.

It’s a Christian’s duty to somehow do well unto others. I don’t feel right pushing my beliefs on others, I don’t knock on doors (oh please no), I don’t give money to organized religion, I don’t go on marches or parades, and I don’t get caught up in causes. So what the heck kind of man of God am I supposed to be?

Well there are those in the bible that feed the poor and those that took a jawbone to slaughter 10,000; so I figure I have some latitude. In the last five years I’ve managed to wrangle about 150 personal computer donations for home schooled children, everyone should have a computer. Another thing I do is open our home or help someone personally when I can (money, advice, whatever). Jana knew it would be alright to have them stay with us for a month or so while in the states.

Now the Romanian couple that were coming to stay with us are going to have a home birth, Jana told them they could have the baby at our home. WTF!!! I didn’t agree to have a baby at our house! Our third child, Joseph, was a home birth. Against my better judgment I went along with the homebirth and it ended badly. Jana lost almost half her blood supply, rushed to the hospital, emergency surgery, three weeks in intensive care, a third of her hair fell out, and on the horrid tale goes. So for the next three weeks I’m feeding a six pound newborn without a mom in the ICU while Jana was out. I didn’t shower much and I didn’t like the home birth much. I fear this. BTW; Joseph just turned 11. So figure I have a bad knee jerk reaction to this idea or the witch doctors who call them selves midwives without any real medical credentials.

After I made my opinion known, Jana comes to a compromise and they set up a birthing house with another member of the home fellowship. They set up a birthing tub (big thing like a hot tub) with all the stuff needed for the birth at the other house. I feel kind of like a jerk for saying it can’t be here, but my fears are close to home.

So a few days ago she goes into labor. The husband and wife bug out while we watch the two little girls. I had fun trying to mime the words ‘finish your dinner first.’ After 36 hours of on and off labor, the labor was off. The two of them came back and everything seemed like it had died down. So my mother, myself, and the youngest five kids go to see Bolt at the theaters (IT WAS AWSOME – especially in 3D with little kids).

We left and everything was fine, we come back and she’s having contractions. They make a few calls and make ready to get going over to the birth house. She goes up to the upstairs bathroom for a round of contractions. I keep saying; ‘go to the hospital.’ Her husband explains that if they go to a hospital without insurance, even a city hospital, they may not get a visa again (any outstanding dept might do this). Another reason they wanted to come to the states for the birth - her first birth was a C-section and in Romania they just keep doing C-sections after that. Also they tie her tubes after the third child. These are big reasons for coming here to have their children; plus the little ones can exercise US citizenship if they want to later.

One of my kids comes to tell me there is a leak in the basement. I go to check it out and I see the problem quick, the hot water heater is leaking badly. Lucky for me the hot water heater is positioned next to a drain and no harm done. I turn the cold water line to the water heater off and the leak starts to slow. In my head I start making plans to buy a new hot water heater and change it out in the morning; I’m handy that way.

Jana comes down stairs and says, ‘we need to talk.’ She explains that the contractions are now three minutes apart and if they try to move her the baby may be born in the back of a car. I find myself with little to say other than, ’sure, OK, of course.’ Now I get back to looking at the hot water heater, thinking ‘do I have gas in my solder torch?’

‘Why is there no hot water?’ my wife yells down to the basement. What? She’s giving birth in the kids bathtub and there’s no hot water. Oh crap! I go turn the hot water heater back on and just let it drain while providing some hot water to the tub. In the mean time, my wife… wait for it… wait for it… is boiling water while helping birth the baby!!!

My wife is boiling water while waiting for the baby to come. I still can’t stop laughing at it. No one I know has this story or one like it. And, the baby was born with in an hour. The child and mother are both very health. The midwife showed up and hour later with alcohol on her breath.

I still feel like the jerk about the whole thing. In the end everything went fine, but it still wigs me out to not have real medical people around for something major like that. The next day we had regular hot water again (after some work).
Joe